Ivan’s Bunker

As some of our regular readers might have noticed, recently our friend Ivan has been emailing us a lot from his bunker somewhere in the wilderness of Idaho, USA.

And in consideration of how Ivan has always been a good friend to us, we have decided to give Ivan his own page on our blog.  Because, our reasoning is, “Well, if we can give a page to Nanhe then why shouldn’t we give Ivan a page, too?”

Therefore, we – Catherine and Ned – humbly wish to FORMALLY introduce all of our readers to our friend, Ivan, another exile from the Greater-English-China-Blogosphere, whom we have given political asylum as a permanent resident on our blog.

So now here are a few personal details about Ivan – and some of you know some of these facts, but now we will tell you more facts about Ivan, which have never been published on the internet until now:

1.    Ivan is a member of America’s Democratic Party, and he campaigned for Obama because, in Ivan’s words, “Obama smokes tobacco.  The last openly declared smoker in the White House was FDR, and therefore, in Obama I see a potential for America to return to America’s libertarian roots.”

2.    Ivan has recently converted to the vodka-drinking sect of Mormonism.

3.    His fiancée, an “exotic dancer” named Hypatia de la Pink, is back in prison now and awaiting a decision of the parole board; meanwhile, Ivan consoles himself with pictures of Zhang Ziyi.

4.    Ivan is a deadly accurate marksman (just like Ned Kelly), and with his several antique pistols he practices his marksmanship on his own hand-drawn cartoons of Hitler, and Osama Bin Laden, and Voltaire.  Ivan has an especially deep and dark hatred for Voltaire, second only to Ivan’s hatred for Bullwinkle who kept the Cold War going beyond reason.

4.a   The “Russian” Bullwinkle character, “Boris Badenov” (see above),  now lives in the basement of Ivan’s bunker.  Boris Badenov’s friends in Kazakhstan are Ivan’s main source of contraband vodka.

5.    Ivan has no prejudices.  Just like Sergeant Hartman in “Full Metal Jacket”, Ivan considers ALL people of ALL races, nationalities and sexual inclinations, to be “EQUALLY worthless!”

Please click HERE to enter Ivan’s Bunker

10 Responses to Ivan’s Bunker

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  6. The Teacher says:

    Hypatia? I recognize that name from Carl Sagan’s Cosmos. Some hot shot librarian, yes?

    FDR’s libertarian roots? Does Ivan consider him a libertarian? Hmmm…that’s somewhat at odds with the history books.

  7. Ned Kelly says:

    @ Teacher,

    Our American friend Ivan will respond to you after he recovers from his New Year celebrations. On December 31 he flew to Australia and knocked on our door, unannounced as usual, so as per our custom we gave him the key to the cabinet where we keep his stash of home brewed Kazakhstan vodka, right under the shelf where he keeps his DVDs of Zhang Ziyi. Since it was New Year’s Eve he had a bit more than his usual two litres. So we dragged him to our garden shed and padlocked him inside, so that the summer sun on the sheet iron roof will bake the vodka out of his pores and fumigate all the redback spiders (Australia’s equivalent of American black widows.) We left him two options of how to get out when he comes back to consciousness: A Beretta automatic pistol so he can commit suicide, or a hacksaw to cut his way out. We predict he’ll choose the latter, because Ivan only uses revolvers; he thinks automatic pistols are only for faggots and Canadians, two groups of perverts who are identical in his mind, and I might actually agree with him on that…although I can’t speak for Catherine since she knows nothing about guns.

  8. The Teacher says:

    I presume you already told my compatriots that there’s only one kind of pervert down under, the Kiwis, yes?

  9. Ned Kelly says:

    As an American you’ll understand what I mean when I say the Kiwis are the Canadians of the Antipodes, filled with sullen resentment of their big brothers without whose protection they would swiftly be conquered by some miserable neighbouring spear-chuckers. I mean spear-chuckers other than Kiwis, or Siberians in Canada’s case.

  10. Ned Kelly says:

    Update on Ivan:

    This Sunday afternoon, while Catherine and I were watching a local TV news documentary about the original Ned Kelly….

    ….well we were lounging on the couch in our bungalow in the Australian Bush, watching TV, and then Ivan crawled up to our sliding glass door and started banging his fist on it. He scared the shit out of us at first, because previously the only people who ever banged on our back door were drunken Kiwis who got lost on their way to the dole office.

    But then we were able to identify Ivan’s face, still recognisable after three litres of Kazakhstan vodka and then three days of sweating in our garden shed. Ivan was still grasping the hacksaw in one hand, and a Beretta pistol in the other. And he shouted at us:

    “I’d rather go on living in shame for another 50 years, rather than use a small caliber pistol fit only for faggots and Canadians and Kiwis!”

    Then Ivan passed out again. But we opened the door for him, and our dog licked him back to consciousness, and then Ivan said:

    “Tea. Tea. I want some REAL tea before I die! REAL tea, NOT like the weak shit that Americans drink!”

    So we put the kettle on, and we gave Ivan a cup of REAL tea! And then he immediately recuperated, and took a shower and ran out the door, telling us, “I’ll email you from Yemen, soon!”

    And so the Saga of Ivan continues. His next stop will be in Yemen, to do his part in America’s “War on Terror”. Watch this space for updates on Ivan’s adventures!

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