Message to World: Do not damage my image

Memo from:   Ivan

To:   The World, all seven billion of you, wherever you are

I am grateful to China State Security for informing the world of a new rule of international law, that if I beat someone up I can assert worldwide jurisdiction to prevent anyone from damaging my image, no matter what country you are in:

After a while, Wang Jie came back in. “You have to write a guarantee about your activities in China. I dictate, you write”:

  1. Abide by China’s laws;
  2. Will not meet sensitive people;
  3. Will not go to sensitive places;
  4. Will not accept media interviews;
  5. Will not talk about sensitive issues in public.

Except he couldn’t define what constitutes “sensitive” in each case. “It all depends,” he said. These were the rules for when I was inside China. For overseas, there was only one:

  • Will not do anything that’s damaging to China’s image.

Thanks for that information.   In light of which, earlier today I kidnapped a middle aged scientist who was bringing flowers to an old lady, and I beat the shit out of him.    According to China’s interpretation of international law, this means now it is illegal for any of you – this means all seven billion of you – to damage my image in the world.

Now I’m going to beat up some old ladies, to improve my image even more.

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3 Responses to Message to World: Do not damage my image

  1. Ned Kelly says:

    “Will not meet sensitive people;
    Will not go to sensitive places;”

    Ivan in Beijing wants to know, “Does this include ALL the massage parlors, or just the good ones?”

  2. Ned Kelly says:

    Ivan, for further information about Beijing massage parlors and prostitutes I suggest you email Beijing State Security. I’m sure they have a long and thoroughly researched list of the best ones.

  3. C.A. Yeung says:

    Ivan, here’s the email address:

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