Dear Catherine and Ned,
After I was thrown out of Los Angeles International Airport last week, I hitch-hiked home to Idaho. One of my drivers dropped me off in Lovelock Nevada, but none of the motels would let me check in without consenting to a Homeland Security blood test.
Well, since I was desperate, I consented and went to the Homeland Security blood-test center. And that’s where I met someone who opened my eyes to what’s going on in America. He’s a former US Consul General, but he says his former station is a “state secret”. And he worked for the Department of Homeland Security until I adopted him and took him home with me.
His name is Bill the Cat. Here’s a video clip of him explaining why arbitrary blood-testing is essential for America’s national security:
I think I’ve found my kindred spirit. I just hope my former fiancee Hypatia de la Pink won’t sue me for breach of promise. Bill and I plan to relocate to the first state whose judiciary acknowledges inter-species marriages. He and I wish a Bestially Sensitive New Year to All! USA! USA!