Happy New Year from Ivan

Dear Catherine and Ned,

After I was thrown out of Los Angeles International Airport last week, I hitch-hiked home to Idaho.    One of my drivers dropped me off in Lovelock Nevada, but none of the motels would let me check in without consenting to a Homeland Security blood test.

Well, since I was desperate, I consented and went to the Homeland Security blood-test center.   And that’s where I met someone who opened my eyes to what’s going on in America.    He’s a former US Consul General, but he says his former station is a “state secret”.    And he worked for the Department of Homeland Security until I adopted him and took him home with me.

His name is Bill the Cat.   Here’s a video clip of him explaining why arbitrary blood-testing is essential for America’s national security:

I think I’ve found my kindred spirit.  I just hope my former fiancee Hypatia de la Pink won’t sue me for breach of promise.    Bill and I plan to relocate to the first state whose judiciary acknowledges inter-species marriages.   He and I wish a Bestially Sensitive New Year to All!   USA!  USA!

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