[Importunate News Services] In view of Google’s reluctance to cooperate, GFW has decided to permanently ban Google. In the meantime, the Chinese government would inject 1 billion RMB in Baidu, on the condition that Baidu will upgrade the key words filtering technology for its search engine to meet the strictest international standard.
GFW and Baidu have also joined forces in launching a new “network inaccessible” plug-in. At a recent press conference, Baidu’s CEO Robin Li took the initiative to demonstrate the function of the new device. The innovation has received a warm welcome from the audience, who regard the device as a powerful and indispensable weapon, not only for maintaining social order, but also for winning the battle against bourgeois ideology. It is understood that all three major Chinese Internet portals had applied for the right to distribute this new plug-in device.
Let’s examine the “network inaccessible” plug-in in a bit more details:
· The plug-in will automatically start when a computer boots. The uninstall function has been permanently disabled;
· The software uses a real-name registration system to access the Internet. Each identity card number will only be allowed to sign up for one ID;
· News media will no longer be allowed to post anonymous comments;
· The “network inaccessible” plug-in will monitor every user’s every move 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Once a sensitive phrase is entered, the computer screen will automatically be blackened out for 10 minutes as a penalty. Those who are found browsing pornographic or politically sensitive sites will automatically have their browsers uninstalled. Those who don’t wash their hands after they’ve been to the toilet will have their keyboards locked and their access denied (now that’s cool).
In addition, the “network inaccessible” plug-in will take advice from users to gradually improve its automatic hacking functionality against pornographic and reactionary sites, so that the majority of Internet users can experience how it is like to be a hacker.
[The events depicted above are fictitious. Any similarity to any person dead or alive is merely coincidental.]