Ivan’s CCP Speech Generator

Our friend Ivan has sent us the following formula, for all Anglophone expats in the PRC (mainland “Communist” China) to use, to sell to the CCP (Chinese Communist Party.)

It’s a formula for a CCP speech, at any and all ranks of the CCP, central and local.

Take any noun, and then use that noun alongside the following words, in any ways you can think of:

  1. Development
  2. Correct
  3. Scientific
  4. facts
  5. gratuitous and superfluous mention of Marx/Lenin/Mao/Jiang Zemin-“thought”
  6. “with determination”
  7. harmonious
  8. “in an all-around way”

Ivan offers, for example:

Zhang Ziyi, is

  1. developing, her
  2. correct and
  3. scientific,  way of publicising,
  4. The FACT that she is a sl^t…
  5. …in accord with Marxist-Leninist-Mao-thought which have absolutely no morals whatsoever,
  6. Zhang Ziyi seems, in our opinion, to be DETERMINED to be a sl^t, according to all available evidence – and this applies equally to the Chinese Communist Party,
  7. It will create more harmony in the World if the rest of the world acknowledges and understands that the Chinese Communist Party is a Party of Wh@res, and,
  8. This is true in an “all-around way”.

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12 Responses to Ivan’s CCP Speech Generator

  1. Ned Kelly says:

    Dear Ivan,

    MY ASS IS CUTER THAN YOURS! Just ask anyone in any Gay bar in China!

    Sincerely yours,
    A fictitious impersonator of Zhang Ziyi

  2. C.A. Yeung says:

    Oh my God, Nanny’s head is going to explode.

  3. johnsmith9876 says:

    A more enterprising soul would write a javascript for that and make some money.

  4. MyLaowai says:

    Or even someone who could write javascript…

  5. C.A. Yeung says:

    John Smith, welcome.

    Ivan IS the javascript. Who needs a computer when we have Ivan Borisovich Yeltsin. He can churn out a speech for, say Grandpa Wen, in absolutely no time at all, even when he is blind drunk. Oh corrections; I should have said: Ivan is at his best WHEN he is blind drunk.

    Incidentally, I stumbled across a “Chinese Name Generator” at a website. The software can generate a Chinese name for you, based on your English name, your gender, your date of birth and something called “desired essence of the name”. So I keyed in the followings, just to try it out:

    Name: John Smith
    Gender: Male
    Date of Birth: 1/1/2009
    Desired essence: wealth and fortune
    Result: 史建浩 (Shi Jianhao)

    Name: My Laowai
    Gender: Male
    Date of Birth: 1/1/2009
    Desired essence: strength and power
    Result: 林慕英 (Lin Muying)

    Name: Ivan Borisovich Yeltsin
    Gender: Male
    Date of Birth: 1/1/1950
    Desired essence: beauty and appearance
    Result: 章子怡 (Zhang Ziyi)

    Now I know why Ivan’s had such a fascination for Zhang Ziyi. It’s some kind of narcissist syndrome doing its tricks.

  6. MyLaowai says:

    This was taken from one of those generators:

    “Ever wondered how your name would sound if you were Chinese? This Chinese name generator probably won’t answer that question but if will make you laugh when it generates your funny Chinese name.”

    Incidentally, my Chinese name is Mao Zedong.

  7. Ned Kelly says:

    Did you ever notice how “Mao ze Dong” sounds like the name of a New Orleans male prostitute?

  8. MyLaowai says:

    Ooops! I said ‘Chinese name’, but I meant ‘Porn name’. Wait… No, I didn’t.

    Aha! A Chinese name IS a Porn name! Just ask Wang Xiaodidi if you don’t believe me.

  9. Ned Kelly says:

    When I entered “Wang Xiaodidi” into the Chinese porn name generator in reverse, it came out as “Rupert Murdoch”.

  10. MyLaowai says:

    Yet when I entered ‘Rupert Murdoch’ into the Chinese name generator, it came up with ‘Ren Pu’, which means benevolent and sincere.

    How weird is that?

  11. Ned Kelly says:

    They misinterpreted Murdoch’s Chinese name “Ren”. What it really refers to is Murdoch’s secret identity, Ren Hoek of “Ren and Stimpy”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jquQJNk-QtQ

  12. Therese says:

    My best friend (female)’s name is Xiaodi. There are many jokes at her expense.

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