Multicultural Christmas in Ivan’s bunker

Our friend Ivan, formerly of the China-Blogosphere, has moved back to America.   Here’s an email he sent us for Christmas Eve:

Dear Ned and Catherine,

Christmas greetings from Idaho!

First I want to thank Ned for the case of  vodka, my favorite brand from Kazakhstan, the one that comes in an assortment of different unlabeled jars.    And thanks for the gift subscription to Soldier of Fortune magazine.    I’ve ordered one for you too, using your name and address on the postcard that said “bill me later”.

My fiancee, Hypatia de la Pink, gave me a lap dance for Christmas at the place where we first met, in the third booth from the left at her place of work.    And according to our personal little tradition, she invited me to stuff a ten dollar bill into her g-string.    I always ask her if it’s “sexual harassment” for me to do that at her workplace, but she always assures me that it’s not.

Her children, my soon-to-be-stepchildren, Josiah-Reagan (age 13), Manuel (age 15, according to Immigration) and Shanika (age 16), all look forward to Christmas Eve in “Uncle Ivan’s” bunker.     Hypatia appreciates my multicultural sensitivity, especially when it comes to her children.    She says, “Ivan, you’re the only man I know who’s ever been able to make peace between those little bastards.”    But multiculturalism isn’t so hard, if you have enough weed and vodka and ammunition.

Little Josiah-Reagan has finished his first year of missionary training in the Church of the Aryan Savior.    Now (did I tell you yet?) as I recently converted to Mormonism, I’ve been able to mediate as a neutral between Josiah-Reagan and his stepbrother Manuel, who is a devout Catholic.   Manuel says he loves “Jesus and Che”.     But he seems to think “Jesus” (he pronounces it “hay-zoos”) is the guy who tattooed his name on Manuel’s chest.    Anyway, whenever Josiah-Reagan and Manuel begin calling each other “Yankee Imperialist” and “Godless Communist Scum”, I remind Manuel that it is insensitive to call Josiah-Reagan a “yankee”, as he regularly attends KKK rallies.   And I remind Josiah-Reagan that it is insensitive to suggest that any native speaker of Spanish is a Communist, because most Hispanics have very Christian names like “Fidel”.

As for Shanika, she will soon give birth to her first son, and she plans to name him “Barack the Secondiferous”.     I’ve given her a Koran for Christmas, and she told me, “you know where you can put this”, and I knew she meant “under the tree”.

And I’ve invited some local members of my local Mormon Church over for some vodka.     Several of them have showed up already, after their businesses were ruined by “homosexual community” boycotts.    Now that they’re unemployed, they do deserve a few drinks.

So you see, I really do believe in “diversity”.   Actually, I believe in it far more than most Americans do.   Here’s a song by (Jewish) Tom Lehrer, which summarises my thoughts about the American cult of “sensitivity” in the Age of Obama:

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