YANG RAY: Good ev-uh-ning. Welcome to CCCTV’s (Culled Chinese Communists’ TV) weekly program, “Epilogue”, where the frustrated fag-ends among the elite Communist Party Princelings clip our coupons while we practice our English with our equally frustrated peers among the Anglophone Foreigners whom failed CCP Princelings like me hate all the more because I’d rather be on the fast track to the Politburo, but here I am, stuck doing this ludicrous TV show on CCCTV’s international channel (CCCTV-99), interviewing Foreigners who make more money than I. They have hair on their arms, you know, and that proves that they are less evolved than the children of the Yellow Emperor. And they smell bad. But still I have to interview them on this TV program, and I have to pretend to listen to them, at least in the clips that aren’t censored. But I didn’t have to do this. I could have been a writer, or a film-maker. I ought to be banging Zhang Ziyi on my casting couch right now. (Well, yes, she’s not a great beauty and she has legs like a chicken, but at least she has guanxi, and I have more guanxi than she has, and I wouldn’t mind shagging her for more guanxi “in an all around way” as the CCP say.) But no, no, my father owed a favour to Li Bang-Bang’s father at Big-Da University. So now here I am, marking time in my sinecure, interviewing smelly Foreigners. My only consolation is that they’re all grateful to have an audience with me, just like the smelly Foreigners from (X parts of Asia) in olden days, used to be grateful just to be invited to Beijing. I only wish more White Foreigners would be as grateful as the ones I interview are. Like my guest today, an American “China Hand”, an American journalist-blogger-lawyer, Mr Philip Ricardo Harrison White Monkey! Mr Harrison, welcome to Epilogue!
MONKEY: Thank you. It’s an honour for me to be here.
YANG RAY: And uh-now (bending head downward in a fake gesture of fake humility/courtesy/deference)….now, Mr Monkey, let me ask you a question about America and then I will expect you to agree with me that America sucks. And then after that question, we will edit the show and only broadcast part of your response when you say:
MONKEY: China is still developing. And no one can deny that the 21st century belongs to China!
YANG RAY: Indeed. And now, I want to ask you a hard question about the environment. Would you agree, that there is an environmental disaster in….
MONKEY: ….(clip deleted, and then), America is a major offender of international environmental law….(and further clip deleted….)
YANG RAY: America always says China is bad, China is very bad on the Human Right. What do you say, what do you say as an American, about the Human Right?
MONKEY: ….America is a Human Rights violator….
YANG RAY: What do you hope for China?
MONKEY: China’s economy is growing and the 21st century belongs to China. As democracy (BRRRT! Deleted!) ….and as China’s economy continues to grow, it will grow!
YANG RAY: So then, maybe – and I’m not putting words in your mouth, but – are you saying, you expect China’s economy to grow?
MONKEY: It is undeniable that China’s economy will continue to grow, and China is a rising power, but (deleted….deleted)
YANG RAY: Thank you, Monkey, for sharing your thoughts on Epilogue.
MONKEY: (Cowed and with barely obscured shame on his face) Thank you for inviting me!
Now Ned Kelly says: Yang Ray reminds me of the “Personal Prison Bitch” song. But Yang Ray’s Western guests are even lower than Yang Ray, because at least Yang Ray has the marginal dignity of being an official “guard” in his nation’s informational prison – but his Western guests (and other Western journalists and academics and “China Hands” like them) have no excuse, because they have the freedom to refuse to collaborate with the CCP propaganda machine – unlike Yang Ray or his fellow inmates. At any rate, here is a music video which I dedicate to “Yang Ray”, while I say his guests on his TV show are even lower than him: