Memo from: Ivan
To: The World, all seven billion of you, wherever you are
I am grateful to China State Security for informing the world of a new rule of international law, that if I beat someone up I can assert worldwide jurisdiction to prevent anyone from damaging my image, no matter what country you are in:
After a while, Wang Jie came back in. “You have to write a guarantee about your activities in China. I dictate, you write”:
- Abide by China’s laws;
- Will not meet sensitive people;
- Will not go to sensitive places;
- Will not accept media interviews;
- Will not talk about sensitive issues in public.
Except he couldn’t define what constitutes “sensitive” in each case. “It all depends,” he said. These were the rules for when I was inside China. For overseas, there was only one:
- Will not do anything that’s damaging to China’s image.
Thanks for that information. In light of which, earlier today I kidnapped a middle aged scientist who was bringing flowers to an old lady, and I beat the shit out of him. According to China’s interpretation of international law, this means now it is illegal for any of you – this means all seven billion of you – to damage my image in the world.
Now I’m going to beat up some old ladies, to improve my image even more.